Me the Mahatma....

Since my last post, many have questioned the validity of my claims of being The One. Some people have questioned me openly and rather condescendingly and this angers me, partly because its a pain spelling the word "condescendingly".

I have been asked what my 'job profile' as savior of the universe is... Heathen mortals do not understand that one is the savior of the universe BECAUSE there is no job profile and One can tackle anything, ANYTHING that is a threat to the universe... be it a nuclear bomb or someone who cheats at Uno.

But, since you question me, question my sacrifice, my... singularity... i shall now list some of my functions:

Encourage the world to point and laugh at those who say "Channel Wee" instead of Channel V like they're supposed to.

Protect the universe from all who seek to destory it using negotiations, violence or, in extreme cases, refried beans.

Weed out chicky pop singers and kill them in their cribs. I will hear no complaints about the existence of Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson. You shoulda seen the ones we killed! Those two are harmless in comparison.

Ensure that balance in the universe is maintained. This means that I must keep a close watch to see that it never runs out of Cappuchino ice cream, olives, pizza's and Tom and Jerry cartoons.

To kill all those who say things like "Ooohhh I love reading!" What do you read? "Ooohhh Archie Comics!

To search for ways to make spelling words like "condescending" easier.

To make sure that there's never ever a flood of beer that will wash people away. I do this, difficult as it is, by encouraging junta to drink as much beer as possible.(and if the situation demands...guzzles down rivers of beer myself)

Now. Do not question my sacrifice and singledom again. I'll slay the lot of you!