When Glory Beckons....

TROY: SPECIAL EDITION CRITICS CUT

[Guy named Paris meets chick named Helen at a party]

Paris: Ssup?
Helen: Hey cutie...
Paris: Wanna boink?
Helen: Cool, but just so you know, even though I'm married, I'm not easy and i think this is a huge mistake, but lets boink anyway, because my husband is a fat, impotent movie cliche
Paris: Wanna boink?

[Paris and his brother Hector chill on deck of their ship on their way home to Troy]
Hector: Dude, you look guilty. Actually, no you don't because you can't act. But it says so in the script. Fess up...
Paris: So i was at this party last night...
Hector: Uh-oh
Paris: But dude, we're like soul-mates man! I felt this instant connection... i mean, what are the odds... she can't act either! It must be love!
Hector: Logic demands that we return her to Sparta, so i suggest we sail on home instead.
Paris: My niggah!!

[Big bronze man named Achilles shows up at the gates of Troy because he's high on a combination of crack and testosterone]
Achilles: Ssup puny man... The poster tells me i'm in this "For Glory" so I'm going to kick your ass
Hector: You don't know it yet, but by the time the credits roll i'm going to blow both you and Peter O Toole off the screen with my phenomenal acting.
Achilles: We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't.
Hector: Ummm, right line, wrong movie... where'd you get that chest waxed?
Achilles: Listen Hulk-guy, like gimme the chick so my buds and i can just go get some glory...
Hector: You're making me angry, you wouldn't like me when i'm angry.
Achilles: I challenge you to a duel... DRAW!!
Hector: OOoooh, i love Pictionary!
Achilles: Shut up, bitch... lets fight.
Paris: Yeah Hector dude, fight my battles for me man... I've got a lot on my plate... I mean, you only have a kid and a wife and the defence of your country to think of...
Hector and Achilles (in chorus): Shut up pappu... take your bow and arrows and go play in the corner...
Paris: Hmph... i miss Gimli... i miss my pointy ears...

[Everyone fights everyone, everyone dies]
Helen: Hey cool Paris, we lived!
Paris: Wanna boink?
Helen: I knew I'd always have Paris!