Step up to the Plate Son...

I'm a bit of an exhibitionist... Damned if I'm not proud of it too...

It's an adrenalin thing I think... I'm not an actor, not a musician, not a dancer... Not really a big stage person when you come to think of it... I'd suck at any of the above...

But...

But I love the rush of getting up there, under arc-lights, and/or in front of a big bunch of people and just doing my thing... Presentations, moderating debates, hosting stuff, just... chilling... here's what I love about it...


(Ten)

I love the jitters that snake through your system ten minutes before the start of an event...

(Nine)

I love the involuntary twitching of muscles that just HAPPENS while you're building up... Hell, if I hold my hand out, I could pass off as Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan, given the amount it shakes...

(Eight)

The dread of screwing up, of just BEING up there starts seeping in... suddenly your stomach feels vaguely unsettled, the next thing you know, your entire body has this odd feeling of butterflies and goosebumps and you just KNOW you're going to make a gigantic ass of yourself... In blind panic, your body injects a billion and one hormones into your system and you could just SWEAR you actually feel them washing over your spine...

(Seven)

As you go over your prepared speech (if in fact, you're lucky enough to have one), you play it over in your head, trying out different moods and tones, different ways of saying it, wondering if you'd be better off sounding like a CNN anchorman or a stand-up comic... or maybe a flat out deadpan "I'm a Bruckheimer film General"?

(Six)

As you actually say it out loud to yourself and you can't help wondering how unbelievably shaky your voice sounds, how incredibly unconfident and hopeless it all seems

(Five)

How you suddenly realize that when your excretory system teams up with your nervous system and imagination, they're a bitch, insisting that you need to pee... right there... right then...

(Four)

"Oh shit, I'm going to shit my pants"

(Three)

You think it's best to calm yourself by taking deep breaths. Inhale... uh-oh, I can't breathe... Exhale... damn, my breath feels hot, feverish and laboured...

(Two)

Hmmm, you think I should try the odd joke? The odd one-liner? Probably not, because there's nothing, and I mean, NOTHING worse than tossing a one-liner at the audience and getting NOTHING in return but a stony silence... Earth, swallow me up swallow me up NOW!

(One)

Right... here we go...

(Showtime)

And then everything just STOPS...

Everything just STARTS

Everything just HAPPENS

No jitters, no shudders, nothing... dead calm, you're out there like you were BORN to do this stuff, and nothing else matters... The words are flowing, calm, no jitters, no stutters (ok, maybe the ODD stutter) but you wouldn't really know because you can barely hear yourself

You're in the zone and the zone is a fucking good place to be... the adrenalin's in your system, you own the crowd, the stage lights form your very own personal sun, and this is your moment in it...

And it doesn't matter... On the odd day I can work the crowd, force them into weak smiles if nothing else... most days, probably not though... but like I said, it doesn't matter... good days, bad days, horrid days... I don't even know if I'm good at it... I'm probably NOT... To the crowd I'm probably a stuttering, bland mess, nine out of ten probably aren't even listening, the one who is is probably bored shitless and thinks they could do a better job with their hands tied behind their back...

But it doesn't matter... because the rush is coursing through you, making you feel good, making you feel alive... You're there...

Yeah... you're there...

Damn I love it...