Breaking News....
Dear Editors of All Newspapers and Dear Producers At News Channels
I would like to congratulate you all on the impending nuptials of your children. I would also like to comment on how amazed I am that all your children seem to be named Abhishek or Aishwariya. They're your children, surely? BECAUSE IF THEY ARENT, I CANT SEE WHY THE FUCK YOU'RE PIMPING THEIR GODDAMED ENGAGEMENT IN YOUR PUBLICATIONS AND NEWSCASTS SO MUCH BECAUSE THE ONLY TIME I'D PIMP AN ENGAGEMENT THIS MUCH IS IF MY OWN KID WERE GETTING MARRIED!!
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for Pooru and SunHairy. But my happiness started diminishing somewhere around the 99th "breaking news" story, you know, the one that went, "BREAKING NEWS: EXCLUSIVE: AISHWARIYA RAI HAS JUST MOVED A FACIAL MUSCLE."
Funny how she can never do that in a movie.
But to be fair to you guys, you haven't forgotten other issues of global importance; you know, stuff that could affect and effectively change the world as we know it... You guys haven't completely forgotten about the issues that REALLY matter.
Like, you know, Shilpa Shetty on Big Brother.
I mean, my GOD. That, that POOR celebrity, stuck there in that big, bad house that's watched by half the United Kingdom! That poor girl, I can't imagine the horror she must be going through; she must be crying herself to sleep every night with one single thought running through her head.
Why the *FUCK* didn't I do this EARLIER?!
Because you could put together every single movie she's ever done, from flipping Mai Khiladi Tu Anaadi to Dus, and they haven't gotten her the sort of mileage this thing has. Why be an international celeb when you can be an international incident instead? Heaven knows her nose is big enough to be an international incident in it's own right.
Special props to the newspaper that ran the headline screaming "SAVE SHILPA!!" I shit you not folks, for one horrible second, I thought Shilpa was a whale that got washed ashore on some beach in Brazil. And then I saw the picture of Shilpa Shetty alongside the story.
And realized it was actually a blue whale that got stuck in the Thames.
I get it, it's difficult to sell papers, it's hard to occupy 24 hours of airtime, so sometimes you've got to play this shit up. It's cool people. I get your dilemna. Don't worry, you could still get lucky.
I mean, maybe Aishwariya and Abhishek will honeymoon in the Big Brother house.
I would like to congratulate you all on the impending nuptials of your children. I would also like to comment on how amazed I am that all your children seem to be named Abhishek or Aishwariya. They're your children, surely? BECAUSE IF THEY ARENT, I CANT SEE WHY THE FUCK YOU'RE PIMPING THEIR GODDAMED ENGAGEMENT IN YOUR PUBLICATIONS AND NEWSCASTS SO MUCH BECAUSE THE ONLY TIME I'D PIMP AN ENGAGEMENT THIS MUCH IS IF MY OWN KID WERE GETTING MARRIED!!
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for Pooru and SunHairy. But my happiness started diminishing somewhere around the 99th "breaking news" story, you know, the one that went, "BREAKING NEWS: EXCLUSIVE: AISHWARIYA RAI HAS JUST MOVED A FACIAL MUSCLE."
Funny how she can never do that in a movie.
But to be fair to you guys, you haven't forgotten other issues of global importance; you know, stuff that could affect and effectively change the world as we know it... You guys haven't completely forgotten about the issues that REALLY matter.
Like, you know, Shilpa Shetty on Big Brother.
I mean, my GOD. That, that POOR celebrity, stuck there in that big, bad house that's watched by half the United Kingdom! That poor girl, I can't imagine the horror she must be going through; she must be crying herself to sleep every night with one single thought running through her head.
Why the *FUCK* didn't I do this EARLIER?!
Because you could put together every single movie she's ever done, from flipping Mai Khiladi Tu Anaadi to Dus, and they haven't gotten her the sort of mileage this thing has. Why be an international celeb when you can be an international incident instead? Heaven knows her nose is big enough to be an international incident in it's own right.
Special props to the newspaper that ran the headline screaming "SAVE SHILPA!!" I shit you not folks, for one horrible second, I thought Shilpa was a whale that got washed ashore on some beach in Brazil. And then I saw the picture of Shilpa Shetty alongside the story.
And realized it was actually a blue whale that got stuck in the Thames.
I get it, it's difficult to sell papers, it's hard to occupy 24 hours of airtime, so sometimes you've got to play this shit up. It's cool people. I get your dilemna. Don't worry, you could still get lucky.
I mean, maybe Aishwariya and Abhishek will honeymoon in the Big Brother house.
posted by The HIGHlight Reel at 10:40 AM
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